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Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

If there would be an award for being lazy, I would send someone to pick it up for me.

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale.” – Zig Ziglar

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Husbands are the best people to share a secret with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.

No girl will choose six-pack over six cars so stop going to the gym and go to work.

I don’t always make sense, but when I do, I don’t.

Daughter: What is marriage? Mom: Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.

Ignore your failures like how your crush ignores you.

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A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.

Lies I tell myself: Just one more cookie. Just one more movie. Just one more minute. Yet… I wouldn’t call them lies!

The ugly selfie you deleted is the real you. Accept it! When nothing goes right, go left instead!

That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nike’s and you can’t do it.

I’ve forgotten a lot of things in life. A meal has never been one of them.

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.

“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell = you see, I have friends in both places.” – Mark 

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo 

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We don’t have a company health plan but we do have a secretary in accounting who claims to be a faith healer.

“I’m glad he’s single because I’m going to climb that like a tree.” – Bridesmaids

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit.

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.

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Husbands are like fine wine. They take time to mature. – Letters to Juliet, the movie.

The ideal man goes home early, doesn’t flirt, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t gamble, and doesn’t exist.

“Don’t criticize what you can’t understand.” ― Bob Dylan

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? The mafia wants either your money or life, wives wants both.

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Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy

Would you destroy Something perfect in order to make it beautiful?” ― Gerard Way

When it comes to work, change is inevitable, except for the vending machine.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After ten years you need a club and a spade.

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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you’d miss them.

“What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.” – Cindy Garner

when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.” – David Sedaris

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” – Will Rogers

Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless: peacocks and lilies for instance.” – John Ruskin

Happen to things, don’t let things happen to you.” – Stephen Covey

It’s not easy to save money when you have a fat girl’s appetite and a rich person’s shopping mentality.

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Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say “I know it’s hard, but you’ll be okay. Here are a coffee and a million dollars.”

Whoever thinks money doesn’t bring happiness, transfer it over to my account.

You’ll lose a lot of money chasing women but you’ll never lose women chasing money.

I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” – Mother Teresa

Live in such a way that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.” – Will Rogers

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

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Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.” – Margaret Thatcher

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams

The plan is to market our original product as a new product that’s as good as the original.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else. It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

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I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. With a calendar, your days are numbered.

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.

When I was a baby, an evil fairy cursed me with expensive taste and no money.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married.

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Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.

Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” – Rodney Dangerfield

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.” – Woody Allen

Let’s talk about money. Find more captions and quotes about money on this category.

Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

I discovered I’m actually planning two weddings – the one inspired by Pinterest and the one I can actually afford.

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