funny instagram captions

 Fall in love with somebody who will never let you go to sleep wondering if you still matter.

funny instagram captions

Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.


“For a guy with a four-digit IQ, I must have missed something.” – Limitless


“You’re putting the pussy on a pedestal.” – The 40-Year-Old Virgin


“Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling inside.” – Robert Bloch


She's the exclamation mark in the happiest sentence that I could ever possibly write."


"How sweet it is to be loved by you..." — How Sweet It Is by James Taylor


My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.


Newton’s law of love: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.


Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


Dear sleep: thanks for trying, but you can’t beat surfing the net.


I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite remarkable.


What if the princess wants to be with Bowser but Mario keeps kidnapping her.


Sometimes lyrics make perfect Instagram captions, whether from a rising pop star or an established artist.


"I love her, and that’s the beginning and end of everything." — F. Scott Fitzgerald


What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing “k” instead of “ok”?


On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. Just like Monday does on Earth.


Forget the butterflies; I feel the whole zoo when I'm with you."


It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness.


"Love recognizes no barriers." — Maya Angelou


Got a new phone today, my old phone failed the swimming test.


"Look at the stars, look how they shine for you and everything you do..." Yellow by Coldplay


"You belong among the wildflowers." — Wildflowers by Tom Petty


"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."


I don’t want to be in a relationship, also I would rather be in a Range Rover.


"I would rather walk with a friend in the dark than alone in the light." —Helen Keller


"Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you." —Misty Copeland


I like rumors. I find out so much about me that I didn’t even know.


I must destroy you with hugs and kisses.


Can I take your picture? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters.


"A good friend might know your wild stories, but your best friend was right there with you."


"F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Fight for you. Respect you. Include you. Encourage you. Need you. Deserve you. Stand by you."


"The only way to have a friend is to be one. —Ralph Waldo Emerson


"When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better." - Mae West


"I can live without money, but I cannot live without love." - Judy Garland


“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben


"You've got to learn to leave the table when love's no longer being served." - Nina Simone


"Every day may not be good, but there's good in every day."


Whatever you do in life, make sure it makes you happy.


Yea, dating is cool but have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?


I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.


I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast.


Life is like a toilet paper. Either you’re on a roll or you’re taking shit from asshole.


Your drama does not pay my bills therefore it is not worth my time.


I have everything in my purse you could possibly imagine except money.


“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guru


“To make a million, start with $900,000.” – Morton Salman


Don’t know where the kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they’ll show up quickly.


The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.


Marriage is basically just whispering, “Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video.”


“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked.” – Leann Rimes


You marry so that you can know each other and the process lasts for infinity.


Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell


I hate math, but I love counting money.


I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.


“Friendship is about finding people who are your kind of crazy.“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.” – Robert Brault


Marriage is like a good cardio workout. If it’s never challenging, you’re probably not doing it right.


I love you so much. Except when you snore and then I just want to punch you in the face.


Hi Honey, I’m just calling to let you know I did nothing today. Nope, not even dinner. Ok, byei!


“After the chills and fever of love, how nice is the 98.6° of marriage.” — Mignon McLaughlin


Math made simple. If you have $20 and your wife has $5, she has $25.


My husband asked me to whisper dirty things in his ear, so I whispered: “Kitchen, bathroom, living room.”


You call it “nagging”. I call it, “Listen to what I fucking said the first time.”


"Birthday: A day to celebrate that you haven't died in the last year."


“In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker.” – Woody Allen


“You know… there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time – husband.” – Bill Maher


If at first you don’t succeed… try doing it the way your wife told you.


Marriage is finding the person who puts up with your shit, admires your weird little ways, and still says they love you at the end of the day.


We just promise to put up with each other’s annoying habits forever.


10th year of marriage: “Next time you’re snoring keeps me up all night. I’ll smother you with this pillow.”


Webster’s dictionary defines wedding as “the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.” – Michael Scott


“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” – Joey Adams


If there would be an award for being lazy, I would send someone to pick it up for me.


Life was much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits.


The word “studying” was made up of two words originally “students dying”.


Tell ’em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper.

I walk around like everything is fine. But deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.


When I feel a little down, I put on my favorite high heels and dance.


I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new style of hair every morning!


Wine is always the answer. What was the question again?


I wish travel therapy was covered by my health insurance.


I made a huge list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.


Just dropped my new single! It’s me. I’m single. Be savage, not average.


I am not feeling lazy actually. Actually, I am just incredibly motivated to do nothing.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if doctor is cute, forget the fruit.


You can’t buy a business but you can buy a plane ticket and that’s kind of the same thing.


Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.


"I love that you are my person, and I am yours, that whatever door we come to, we will open it together." — A.R. Asher 


The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.

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